


What a Rotten Name

by OtterlyDeerlightful



Series: Lifemates AU [7]
Category: LazyTown
Genre: M/M, Robbie just wants sleep, Seriously you're overwhelming your fiance, Sportacus needs to slow the fuck down, Wedding Bells, stop it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-13 02:26:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11750139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OtterlyDeerlightful/pseuds/OtterlyDeerlightful
Summary: Well, Robbie finally did it. He's engaged. But can he survive Sportacus to make it to the wedding?





	What a Rotten Name

Robbie had been sleeping a lot better since Sportacus had moved into the lair. Having a real, proper bed probably helped, too, though there wasn’t a soul that could make him admit it. His insomnia was in no way cured, but at least he was getting some _sleep_ now adays instead of being trapped in his endless cycle of self-torture and loneliness. Things were, in a word, _better_. At least, they usually were. That particular morning was dismally exhausting and, for once, it wasn’t insomnia’s fault. No, the blame instead could be placed entirely on the blue jumping bean that had just launched itself into the bed beside him.

“Good morning, Robbie!” Sportacus cried before leaning over and giving the man a kiss atop his head.

The villain grumbled and pulled the blanket over his head in response. His hero just laughed and bounced closer, rocking the mattress as he moved. Robbie growled and curled into a ball, trying in vain to pretend that the stupid elf didn’t exist.

“So, Robbie! I was thinking—!”

Ugh. He wished Sportacus would stop doing that sometimes. It was dangerous whenever Sportacus was ‘thinking,’ especially if it was before noon.

“I know you don’t like big crowds, so I want to keep things as small as possible. The problem is, I know the kids will all want to be involved and I know that they can be a handful by themselves. Do you think we should invite more of the adults in town, too, to rein them in a bit, or do you think that it would just cause more problems?

“I mean, my brother likes children and if any of the other heroes can come, then there will be plenty of authority figures about, but since the children don’t really _know_ them I’m not sure how things might work out. How many people would _you_ like to invite, Robbie?”

“None.”

Sportacus rolled his eyes and gently shook the man’s shoulder. “Robbie, don’t be silly.”

“I’m not being silly. I’m being _asleep_ ,” the lump of blanket moaned. “It’s too early for this, Sportawake.”

“Oh! Oh, you’re…I’m so sorry, Robbie. I’m just excited. I’ll let you sleep.”

Robbie felt the slightest amount of pressure against his blanket when Sportacus kissed the approximate location of his cheek. He felt the extra weight roll off the mattress as his fiancé left the room. He swore he could hear Sportacus mumbling about a pros and cons list of different seasons as they headed down the bedroom ladder.

“This is your own fault, Rotten,” he mumbled to himself. Robbie pressed his face into his pillow. “Your own _fault_!”

*~*~*

Some hours later, Robbie abandoned the comfort of his bed for the comfort of his beloved chair. He leaned back into the orange fur that playfully tickled his neck and insisted that he should never leave its soft embrace again. He almost promised to stay, but quickly realized that he had a cake craving that demanded to be satisfied. The villain hummed contently to himself while he fetched a particularly tall, moist slice of spongey goodness and spun back around to continue his lovely meal in total relaxation.

Unfortunately, that was when his elf decided to come home.

“Hi, Robbie!” Sportacus greeted enthusiastically as he tumbled into the room.

The man jumped, but managed to keep his cake steady. Once his breathing had returned to normal, he turned his accusing glare on Sportacus.

“Don’t ‘hi, Robbie’ me, prancing in here and interrupting breakfast.”

Sportacus’ bright face instantly dropped. “ _Robbie_ …that’s cake!”

“Your point?”

“You can’t have cake for breakfast, Robbie! It…it’s not even breakfast time anymore! All of the kids are home having lunch!”

“Don’t interrupt my lunch, then,” Robbie said with a shrug before strutting back to his chair.

He flung one knee over the other and leaned back. He raised his fork, adding a bit of flare just to hear Sportacus sigh at the sight of it, and plunged its tines into his food. Sportacus folded his arms over his chest and simply shook his head, smiling at his beloved’s antics in spite of how unhealthy they were. Sportacus leaned over the back of the chair, resting his chin on his muscular arms as he watched the man below decimate the slice of cake.

“So, Robbie, can I ask you something?”

“I don’t know, can you?” Robbie grumbled.

Sportacus rolled his eyes and took a deep breath. “So I was thinking that we should have themed flowers, but I wasn’t sure what colors you would want, and then I realized that some colors may clash with others, or may be too hard to find depending on what season we choose, but we can’t lose sight of the meanings because—heh—I know that my family would certainly have a fit if we overlook any of them and will never let me forget it! Was there anything you knew right away that you wanted? I know we need some acorns worked into the arrangements. Oh, and I would love it if we could have some hyacinth arrangements, too. I thought I could make a list of what we each want most and from there we could—”

The fork clattered against the plate.

“Oh good grief,” Robbie sighed with closed eyes. “Sportaloon, _stop_.”

The hero blinked. He tilted his head curiously as he looked down at his fiancé. “What’s wrong, Robbie?”

“You need,” the villain said slowly, “to slow down, Sportanut.”

Sportacus blinked. “Oh, sorry, Robbie. I didn’t realize I was talking so fast! So, what I said was—”

“I _know_ what you said, Sportaloon! The problem is that you’re saying it at all!” Robbie sighed again and set his half-finished cake aside.

“But, Robbie…”

The villain tilted his head back and glared at Sportacus’ stupidly cute bewildered face. He jabbed a finger at the elf’s adorable little nose, temporarily making the man go cross-eyed.

“No. No more ‘but Robbies,’ you hear me? Stop it. You woke up talking about this and I can’t think about it yet. I haven’t even _finished my cake_.  You need to slow things down. You don’t need every detail planned out on day one. One. Step. At. A. Time, Sport.”

The elf was quiet for a moment, mulling things over in his mind. After a minute, he gave a definitive nod and leaned down to kiss his fiancé’s forehead.

“You’re right, Robbie. I am trying to tackle far too many things at once.”

Robbie sighed in relief. That taken care of, he finally allowed himself to fully sink into the comforting fluff of his chair. He reached out to retrieve his still-beckoning cake when he heard Sportacus speak again.

“So, I guess the first question I should be asking is in what season you would like to get married!”

Robbie’s arm dropped and he groaned.

“ _Sportaus…_ ”

“I was going to make a list of what we could do with each season. Winter would be beautiful, but too cold for an outdoor ceremony, and summer may have the same problem if it is too hot, and…hmm…”

Robbie covered his face for some semblance of a reprieve from the madness. “Just…just pick spring,” he heard himself blurt out. “You’re so wrapped up in your flowers, just pick when they’ll all be blooming so you won’t have to list every plant on the planet just to see if you can use it or not!”

“That’s an excellent idea, Robbie!” Something kissed his head and he could only assume it was the insane elf hovering above him. “Once again, you are an absolute genius. Spring it is, then!”

“Yippee,” the villain grumbled.

“I should get going. The kids will probably be finishing their lunch about not. I will see you later, okay, Robbie?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“I love you!” the elf laughed before zipping away, presumably to the sports park above.

Robbie just sat in his chair. He wanted his cake, but for some reason he didn’t feel quiet as hungry anymore. This day was probing to be quite an exhausting one.

“He’s lucky he’s cute,” Robbie mumbled to the silence of his lair. “ _So_ lucky.”

*~*~*

The rest of the day was relatively quiet, considering the daily festival of ungodly healthiness going on up above. Robbie actually managed to get some work around the lair done for once, and decided to reward his efforts with a well-deserved nap before Sportacus would come home and, undoubtedly, try to make him eat something disgustingly nutritious for dinner. The only problem was that sleep was eluding him. Not that that was anything new, but the frequency of his insomniac tendencies didn’t make it any more welcome. He flipped around in his chair again, uttering a soft, pathetic whine of desperation. After his rude awakening that morning, he could really use some shut-eye right about now.

“Sleep _please_ ….” He flipped around the other way, pulling his small purple blanket over his face. “ _GUH_! Ugh…sleep! I just want _sleep_ , just a _little bit_.”

He mashed his face into his chair and hugged a pillow to the sides of his head. After a minute or so, Robbie just growled and threw one of the pillows across the room in frustration.

“ _Fine_ ,” he hissed to no one, hugging the remaining pillow to his chest. “I didn’t want to sleep down here _anyway_!”

His troublesome lair now properly scolded into submission, Robbie got up and stomped off. He climbed up and out of his odd excuse of a front door and, pillow tucked securely under one arm, stalked off to find somewhere that would nurture his attempts at slumber rather than sabotage it.

“Ah, home away from home,” Robbie yawned as he approached the familiar park bench.

The lovely bit of wooden scenery had served him well in the past. Add in some wonderfully comfortable weather, and Robbie knew he would finally be able to get some rest. He fluffed up his pillow, delicately laid it down upon the bench, and wiggled himself into a comfortable position. Robbie closed his eyes and let a gentle breeze waft over him, whispering a lovely lullaby from nature itself. Finally. Peace.

Peace that didn’t last very long, apparently.

Robbie was jolted from that blissful space between asleep and awake by a sudden shake and a bubbly laugh from above.

“Hello, Robbie!”

He flailed about for a moment as his body tried to catch up with his brain. Robbie blinked, staring up into a pair of familiar blue eyes. Sportacus could fly? Wait, no. The stupid elf wasn’t _flying_! The daft hero was hovering above him, his hands balanced on one end of the bench’s back, toes balanced at the opposite end. Stupid sexy showoff.

“I’m sorry, Robbie. I didn’t realize you were sleeping!” Sportacus quickly apologized. “Would you like me to leave?”

The man sighed and waved a dismissive hand as he forced himself up with a painful groan. “No, no, I’m _up now_. What is it?”

Sportacus pushed himself up from his perch, spinning and twisted midair and dropping down to sit next to his partner. Robbie rolled his eyes, but couldn’t fully hide his slightly amused smile. The hero leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, causing Robbie to sputter and throw his arms up like a protective barrier.

“ _Sportakook!_ ”

Sportacus laughed. “What, Robbie?”

“Don’t, we—we’re in _public_ , Sportaflop!”

His fiancé laughed. “Robbie, we’re engaged! I do not think it will cause much of a stir if I give a kiss to the man that I love.”

The villain’s cheeks flushed and he did his best to hide them between his suddenly hunched shoulders. “I just…I know. It’s silly.”

Robbie felt Sportaus’ gentle hand rubbing up and down his spine. He felt his shoulders relax in an automatic response to such a gentle touch.

“It’s not silly, Robbie. I’m sorry. I will try to do better for you.”

“ _No!_ No, I mean…it’s okay. I…still like it.” Robbie shook his head and waved his arms at nothing in particular. “It’s…hard to explain!”

“It’s okay, Robbie. We are just a little different, that’s all. And I’m glad! I love you and I wouldn’t want you any other way!” The hero chucked. “If you were different, you wouldn’t be my Robbie!”

Sportacus kissed his cheek again and, though he still instinctively shrunk into himself a bit, Robbie smiled this time.

“Oops, sorry!” the elf laughed. “I guess I can’t help it.”

The villain quickly regained his composure and cleared his throat. Straightening his spine and tugging at his vest, Robbie turned to his fiancé. Robbie gave a quick glance around, making sure none of the brats or other townfolk might be watching, and returned Sportacus’ reassuring kiss. Ah, there was the hero’s trademark smile.

“It’s okay, Sportakiss,” Robbie assured him. “So…where are your little minions? I’d have expected them to be following in your wake the second you ran off.”

“Oh, they are having a snack and water break. I saw you come this way and I wanted to see you while we were between games.”

Robbie smiled when Sportacus squeezed his hand.

“The snack break also got me a bit curious, too. I was wondering how you might want to handle the food after the ceremony. I mean, of course we will make sure that you have a wonderful cake, but my family and I cannot have it, so we will have to come up with an alternative, too. Do you have any ideas of what might work? I have never been to a human wedding before…I’ve only read about it in stories, so I’m not sure what should be done for a situation like this. I don’t want to have anything that might be somehow offensive, but I did not think you would want a buffet of sportscandy and nothing else to eat.”

Robbie let out an aggravated roar, causing the town hero to jump away in surprise. The elf blinked, staring at his fiancé as Robbie grabbed at his previously well-manicured hair and stomped his feet. Sportacus looked about for a clue as to what he should do. His crystal wasn’t going off, but this clearly wasn’t _okay_ by any means, and he was not entirely sure how to react.

“Uh…Robbie? Are you oka—?”

“ _No I’m not okay!_ ” came the man’s snippy reply. “ _Sportacus! Please! Stop!_ ”

The hero blinked. “Stop…?” he asked slowly.

“ _Ye-hess!_ ” Robbie moaned, tugging at his hair. “ _Stooop!_ ”

“Stop what, Robbie? I don’t understand…”

“ _Enough!_ ” the man cried, jumping to his feet and leaving his partner sitting utterly bewildered on the bench. Robbie spun around and grabbed the elf’s shoulders tightly. “ _You_ ,” he said slowly, “Need to stop with this.”

Sportacus blinked. “Stop with what, Robbie? Did I do something wrong?”

“Yes! Well, no! I… _arg!_ ”

Robbie let go of his beloved long enough to sink back to the bench by his side. Sportacus waited patiently, though nervously, until Robbie was ready to speak.

“This, we…” Robbie sighed, taking another moment to compose himself before continuing, his voice as slow and deliberate as he could manage. “You need to slow down on the wedding plans, Sportacus.”

The elf stared at him with a blank expression.

“We’ve been engaged for… _not even_ twenty-four hours. You don’t need to have the entire wedding and reception planned by sundown! We’re not getting married _tomorrow_. And you are _driving me up the wall._ ”

“I…I know,” Sportacus answered a bit sheepishly. He began picking at a seam on his pants. “I’m just so excited, Robbie!” he said with a timid giggle. “I love you so much and I….I knew you were the one for me, and I’m just so happy that you chose _me_ to be the one for you…I can’t wait until we can tell the entire world! I…I guess I _am_ getting a little carried away, though, now that you mention it.” He was silent for a short moment as he recounted the day’s conversations. “I’m sorry, Robbie. I didn’t mean to upset you. That was exactly the opposite of what I wanted to do.”

Robbie sighed in utter relief. “I know, Sportacus, I know. It’s alright. I just…need you to slow things down for a little bit. We don’t need to jump straight from a proposal to the wedding in a matter of hours. Let’s just enjoy the time in between for a bit.”

Robbie took his fiancé’s hand in his and Sportacus smiled, giving an affirmative nod.

“Okay, Robbie. I can do that.”

“Good,” the villain chuckled. “I’m glad you’re excited. I’d…honestly be a little worried if you weren’t…but this is, uh, a big step. And I don’t know about you, but last night was…intense. And as happy as I am, I think I need a little time to build up to what comes next.”

“I understand. I am just glad we will be _taking_ that next step.”

Robbie smiled and nodded. Sportacus squeezed his hand.

“We can go more slowly.”

“Thank you.”

The pair sat together in blissful silence for a few minutes. Nearby they could hear the children returning to their games in the sports park. The water break must be over. The gaggle of brats would be looking for their fearless leader soon enough. Even so, Sportacus stayed put, keeping hold of his partner’s hand. It was nice. After a day of stress and interruptions and frustration, this was nice. It was quiet, calm, and perfect. Robbie sighed in contentment as he watched the clouds drift by. He chuckled to himself.

“What’s so funny?” Sportacus asked curiously.

“I was just thinking that it’s a good thing you’re willing to tone things down a bit. I mean, you were trying to plan every detail of the wedding, and we still don’t even know which one of us is taking the other’s name! If either of us would do it at all, I mean. Might be a little hard to plan things until we get _that_ straightened out, huh?”

The elf stared at him. “Take the other’s name?”

“Yeah.”

Sportacus blinked, his eyes tinged with a noticeable lack of understanding. Robbie frowned and raised an eyebrow at such a reaction.

“Uh…yeah, Sporto. You know…married couples? Last names? All that?”

“Oh, surnames!” Sportacus cried with sudden recognition. He grinned for a moment, only to have that confidence drain from his face entirely only a second later. “I am afraid I don’t understand. What are you talking about, Robbie?”

Now it was Robbie’s turn to be confused. He blinked a few times.

“Er, I…y-you know…” It suddenly dawned on him. “Wait. Elves don’t change their names when they get married?”

Sportacus shook his head.

“Oh, uh…hmm. Well, then…” Why did Robbie have a bad feeling about this? “Well, it’s usually a tradition—for humans, at least—that, when two people get married, one of them takes the other’s surname in place of their own to, uh, show their commitment to one another, I guess? That they’re a family and all that. Usually it’s the woman who’s expected to make the change, but, uh…in our case, clearly that won’t fly.”

“Oh,” Sportacus said quietly. “Well, I…I guess I don’t really have a last name, at least not in the sense that everyone here does.” He gasped, suddenly jumping to his feet and causing Robbie to jump. “I can take your name, Robbie! You have a last name!”

The villain blinked. “I…well, you _could_ , I guess,” he admitted once his mind registered Sportacus’ hurried words. “But do you really think that would be such a good—?”

“ _Sportacus Rotten_ ,” the muscular man tried out as he folded his arms over his broad chest. “I like it! Haha! We’re going to be a family, Robbie! This is wonderful!” He bent down to kiss Robbie on his forehead. “Thank you, Robbie! I am so happy! I’ll see you later, okay? I’ll meet you for dinner once the kids are ready to head home. I love you!”

Robbie didn’t even have time to react to the elf’s kiss before they did a jubilant backflip and raced back toward the sports park, waving to the children as they all called out to him. Oh no. What had just happened?

“Hey, everyone!” he could hear his love shouting, “I’m going to be Sportacus Rotten! I’m Sportacus Rotten!”

Robbie groaned and fell back against his pillow. He laid there with one arm dangling off the bench and his legs in an uncomfortable twist.

“What have I done?” he moaned to himself. “He was finally _calm_ and I ruined it.” Robbie threw an arm over his eyes. “What a terrible name for a superhero,” he whined into his sleeve. “What a _rotten name_ for a superhe— _ugh_ , did I just…?”

Robbie dug the heels of his hands into his eyes. “Why do I do these things to myself?” he asked. “I deserve this.”

He could still hear Sportacus’ voice echoing across the field as the elf celebrated his new surname.


End file.
